When the Cat's Away...
by FierySable
Summary: the crew of Gundam Wing has decided to take offtime so the cast (the G-boys) have some extra time on their hands...
1. Tricking the Trickster

Deathsuck

Disclaimer: The G-boys belong to Sunrise Asahi, the director belongs to Sunrise Asahi, but the dustbunnies are _mine_ : P Watch out…they bite. 

Author's note: Yes, this is humor, which means eventually, every single main character will come under fire from the buster cannon the Sable borrowed from Rose. If you'd like any particular character _especially_ bashed, please tell me, I'll be pleased to oblige! Enjoy now, ya' hear?

Cat's away, ch. 1: Tricking the Trickster

"Now, I want to make sure that you'll behave…don't touch the Gundams, don't touch the guns and especially," Here the director's voice took on a dire warning, "_don't_ blow up any OZ bases. We want to be here to film it when you do."

Duo grinned, "Hey, no sweat, the Great Shinigami will make sure nothing happens while you're gone."

The director glared at him. "_You_ are the one I'm worried about, Maxwell."

Duo opened his violet eyes wide, beginning on a long, drawn out denial, but Wufei merely crossed his arms, leaning against the wall as he listened to his fellow Gundam pilot, smirking slightly to himself. "The director has intuition," Wufei murmured, "Justice is served."

Heero nodded in affirmative, his face still stoic and unemotional. "Hai." He agreed stonily, then watched the crew of Sunrise Asahi drive off for their "retreat". The cameraman was still traumatized over the time Heero had accidentally crashed Wing Zero into the camera-stand; the makeup artist was still tormented by visions of a katana-wielding Wufei chasing her out of the dressing room, yelling about the injustice of having weak onnas put their stupid powders on him. The music director was aggrieved over the time Duo had substituted _White Reflection_ with _Pretty Fly for a White Guy_ (by Offspring) in the scene where Heero was supposed to get into Wing Custom (EW). Not only that, but the braided-baka had then proceeded to do the moonwalk literally on the stage-prop moon, causing the wires to snap and the round sphere to fall directly onto the director. That had been the last straw. In other words, the director had explained, the crewmembers, which had already been living on coffee and donuts, were having a mental breakdown. They couldn't take it and they were going on a vacation to soothe their fratzed nerves. And they didn't even want to _see_ the tail of a braid or the end of a dual buster rifle. And that was that.

Duo waved enthusiastically at the back of the van, a trail of dust flying in the air as the vehicle drove off at ninety miles per hour. "Bye bye! Hope you have a nice trip! Bring me back some souvenirs! Au revoir! Sayaaannnooorrraaa!" He didn't seem to mind the hysterical laughter that was emitting from the rapidly departing van, nor the shrieks of "We're free! We're free!" that were floating back on the dust clouds as he turned back to the others, a devilish grin touching his lips. "Okay, who's up for a little spin in the Gundams?"

Wufei glanced at Trowa, a sardonic brow lifting over an obsidian eye. "You were right, it didn't take him more than a minute before they left." Trowa blinked once, face betraying no emotion, then he shrugged, leaning back on the wall, striking the favorite pose of the Gundam pilots as he crossed his arms.

Quatre grimaced, then smoothed his face into an anxious smile, "Really, can't we get along? Duo, you know they told us not to and-"

"Aww…stop playing the goody-two shoes, Q-man! What's one little romp in the Gundams gonna do?" Duo wheedled, but Trowa, Heero, and Wufei were already walking into the rec room, ignoring the errant pilot.

"Who wants to play chess?"

"Me." Quatre said hastily, catching up with the taller trio. "By the way, I'm Arabian…chess isn't native to any Middle East so why is it we _always_ play chess when we're bored?"

Trowa glanced down at the blonde pilot, "Because that's what they have us doing in every scene when we're not fighting. That or playing instruments."

"Oh." 

***

Duo peeked into the empty room, glancing around cautiously before he slid inside the hanger bay, an evil grin lighting his face. "Hah! I _knew_ I could pick the lock…all three hundred and sixty eight of them! Nothing can stop the God of Death!" He smiled, pleased with himself as his Gundam's eyes glowed green. "Hey old buddy! Whatcha been doing?" No answer…(I mean it's a _Gundam…_why are the always obsessed with talking with their Gundams??) Duo frowned. "Oh yeah…" He looked around blindly in the dark, then spotted the huge power cable. Grabbing a hold of it, he proceeded to drag it, inch by inch, towards the equally large outlet, plugging the Gundam in, then sighing with relief as dull green flared lambent with "life".

"All right…let's have some fun!" Springing into the cockpit, he flipped on the power, green and red lights flashing rapidly on his control console…then everything got _weird_.

Instead of a hanger bay, Deathscythe was suddenly floating aimlessly in space, head over heels in a kind of continuous cartwheel. "Hey!" Duo yelled, "What gives?" Quickly, he righted his Gundam, whose legs had been sticking ignominiously in the air and looked around, the Earth about sixty miles below him. He shook his head, baffled, then gave a shrug. "The crew must have accidentally left the animation process on…Mwahahaha! This is going to be fun! A virtual video-game!" 

His green scythe flared to life and he grinned in anticipation as his monitor showed thirty Mobile Units heading his way. "All right! Bring it _on_!" Then he frowned. There was something…strange…about those Mobile Suits…were they _bouncing_ towards him?? Suddenly there was a small puff of smoke and as they neared…Duo looked closer…then sweatdropped.

"You have _got _to be kidding me." Instead of the titanium plated monsters of war he had expected, huge dustbunnies with wide chibi eyes and anxiously wrinkling noses hopped towards Deathscythe in a cloud of lint and fuzzy grime. Duo stared, slack-jawed. They looked like huge bouncing balls of fluff with little coiled tails…almost like over-furred Pomeranians…but he couldn't see any legs or appendages to speak of since it was all hidden by fur. That's what they were: balls of bouncing fur.

"Oh, come on…how can I fight that??" Duo yelled, banging a fist against the controls in frustration. "I can't slice cute fur-balls in half with my scythe…what kind of Shinigami kills _dustbunnies??_" Suddenly the scythe disappeared as if swept away by an eraser and an inexperienced hand drew the sketchy outlines of what seemed to a vacuum cleaner. 

"What??" Duo blinked, then examined the "weapon" closer. "What the Hell _is_ this??" Suddenly a huge arrow appeared on his monitor pointing to the badly drawn vac. On the other end of the arrow, printed in bold letters, was the word "Vacu-Suck". He gaped at the letters, then the vacuum cleaner in his Gundam's mechanical hand. "You are sssoooo kidding. This is so immature! This is so cartoonish! This is...so…so…so…AMERICAN!!!" *lightning, thunder, and whatnot* "I REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS IDIOCY!!!"

"Growl?" Suddenly, two blue-black eyes filled his screen and claws, (where had _they _come from??) scrabbled at his Gundaniam armor. With a girlish scream, Duo waved his scythe…er…Vacuu-Suck...frantically in the "monster's" face.

*Shriek* went Duo.

"whirrrrrrr…." Went the vacuum cleaner. 

As soon as the first touch of the vacuuming air touched the dustbunny's face, it tilted its (head?) and gazed at Duo with large reproachful eyes. Little bits of it were drawn into the vacuuming chamber and then, with a sudden *** POP ***…it disappeared in a cloud of smoke and dust. 

"Wha-?" Duo stared at the vacuum cleaner then looked at the other twenty-nine bundles of fur that were hovering just beyond the range of the Vacu-Suck. They were looking at him with large liquid eyes as they congregated around the dusty remains of their comrade, weird wailing (you weren't supposed to hear _anything_ in space!) filling his speakers with their incessant keening.

"Ow ow ow…stop it!" Duo yelled, clamping his hands over his ears. Amazingly…the noise did abruptly stop and Duo sighed, cautiously letting his hands fall to his sides. _Well, it's about time,_ he thought acidly, his happy go lucky mood souring a little. But as he opened his mouth to say so, he found nothing emerged from his lips except for a slight hiss of air. 

__

What? Where'd the sound go? Where'd my voice go?! Someone must be messing with the audio controls. Suddenly, it became unbearably compressed and Duo dropped his mouth in horror as he saw a huge thought bubble fill the cockpit, his every thoughts printed in bold Comic Sans MS. _Oh man oh man, I've got to stop thinking or else I'm going to be flatter than one of Hilde's special pancakes!_

Of course, his trying not to think was thinking in itself so…Duo gagged, trying to push the fluffy bubble away from him as it ballooned to gargantuan proportions, forcing out all the air out of the Gundam. _Okay, stay cool, think, no no…_don't_ think…I mean…hey! Idea!_ Light flared brightly and Duo glanced up…to see a lightbulb switch on. Half blinded, he reached upwards groping for the cord that hung tantalizingly just out of his reach. _Goddamnit!_ He levered himself up and yanked on the metal cord, sighing in relief as the light dimmed to acceptable luminescence. _This is a cheesy attempt at American humor affect *_boom, crash, thunder and whatnot* _but never mind. First things first…_

He reached behind his ear, feeling for the trusty lockpick that was always secreted behind mahogany tresses and with a decisive yank, jerked it out of his hair. _Hah hah hah… the Shinigami rises agai-argh…suffocation…just pop the damn thing!_ He jammed the sharp end of the pick into the swelling thought bubble, then clapped his hands over his ears as a huge explosion sent Deathscythe careening in a wild spin.

His last thought on the matter was _This is just _not_ my day…_

***

When he finally roused himself, he was lying in a bed of soft fox pelts, the fur tickling him gently awake. "Wha-?" He muttered groggily, only to be rewarded by a girlish giggle.

"M'lord, you're finally awake. Mistress Hilde has bee waiting for you to rise."

__

Mistress Hilde? Duo opened his eyes to the sight of a young girl with long golden tresses spilling across her lap. She was clad in a simple, virginal white, covered completely from the frills at her neck to the long sleeves and ankle length gown. In short, chaste as the day she was born. She smiled politely when she saw him looking at her and rose to her feet. "Is there anything I can get you, m'lord?"

"Uh…not really," Duo said suspiciously, then looked around him. Outside of his translucent bubble, figures moved slowly over lush, verdant plains, smiling languidly and sometimes stopping to talk to one another. But everything had a lackadaisical air to it; no one seemed to be any hurry to go anywhere or do anything at any particular time. "Where the hell am I anyway?"

"Oh no, m'lord; you're not Hell. You're in the Aleusian Fields," the girl explained carefully. She set wine and green-gold grapes at his side before looking up with guileless amber eyes to smile serenely at him. "After all, the Mistress of Death doesn't like her Consort visiting those nastier regions of the Underworld. Last time m'lord ventured outside the Plains and saw Hell, you…well…you fainted, m'lord."

"Fainted?! ME?? Are you crazy?" Duo demanded indignantly, "I've never fainted in my life!" Then he thought a bit. "Wait a minute, _Mistress _of Death?? Hey, _I'm _the God of Death around here!"

As Duo rose to his feet, the girl grew exceedingly agitated as she blocked him from walking any further. "M'lord, you're suffering delusions of grandeur again…please stay where you are. My Mistress will be here shortly," The girl paused, tipping her head to one side before relief flooded her face. "In fact, my Mistress approaches now. So-" Unfortunately for her, Duo wasn't listening anymore. 

Instead, he shoved past her almost rudely to run down the hill to meet the dark haired figure, smiling in relief. "Hey, hey babe! Glad to see _some_ of us haven't lost our minds!" 

Hilde turned, and smiled pleasantly as Duo caught up with her. "Has my Consort been good?"

Duo, being the wonderfully intelligent human being that he was, said the first thing that came to his befuddled brain. "Huh?"

Hilde's smile disappeared in a growing thunderstorm and her normally pixie-cute expression had a distinctly sinister cast to it as she narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean by 'huh'? You _know_ better than that, pet! Has Duo been a naughty boy again and forgot all his lessons so soon?"

"Whoa whoa…pet? Me? Since when?" Duo asked warily. It occurred to him suddenly, that this was _not_ Hilde, or at least, not the Hilde _he_ knew…and by the way the sky was darkening and thunder had begun to rumble, he also knew that he was in _big_ trouble.

"Duo! I'm disappointed! Now you'll have to be _punished!_" And suddenly, the cute beret, the sunny yellow sweatshirt and purple slacks vanished. In their stead was a skin-tight, black, leather dominatrix costume, complete with spikes, chains, nylons, and of all things, a riding whip! Duo backed away cautiously, a huge sweatdrop rolling down the back of his head. 

__

Whoa…I didn't know Hilde was into S &M!! _Damn, when you think you really know a person…_Duo smiled appeasingly as he inched away from the crop wielding S&M queen, eyes darting around rapidly to see what was the nearest hiding place. There was none. So he did the next best thing, "Now babe, I know we've had our problems and I fully admit, they were _all_ my fault…" He took the blame.

Hilde smiled and snapped her whip a few inches from his nose. "You will address me as your Lady Mistress!" Well, in the face of _that_ demand, Duo did what any sensible Gundam pilot with keen wit and the strength of an ox would do…He screamed and started running. "Come back here, pet! Who's your momma? Huh? Who's your momma??"

***

Duo stumbled out of his Gundam, gasping and trembling from tip to nonexistent tail as he glared with a mixture of reproach and incredulity at the inanimate Gundanium mobile suit. "What the hell was that!?" He accused the blank metal face, "Crack dreams? I know I'm not stoned damnit, so what the _hell_ was that?" As he fumed at his Gundam, he caught a glint out of the corner of his eyes and turned to get a better look. The light to the animation room was lit and at _least_ two figures were standing there looking down on him…"WUFEI!!! HEERO!!! OMAE O KURUSO!!!!!" Yes, Duo knew that he was borrowing from Heero's famous line, but at this point in time, he was determined to exact full revenge from every single last one of the other pilots. The fact that Trowa and Quatre probably had not participated in his humiliation was a moot point really; they hadn't _stopped_ it either. 

Grinning almost savagely, Duo whispered, "So you think you can beat the God of Death, huh? Well, you'll soon see that the Shinigami has _more _than one parlor trick up his sleeve…."

***

"He's on to us, Wufei." Heero said monotonously, peering down at the angry robe-clad figure that was storming out of the hanger. "You can stop the animation process." The Chinese boy smiled with infinite satisfaction as he put down his ink pen, and studied the series of sketches he had done on the pad of paper. They were crude, he would be the first to admit that, but they had certainly served his purpose, hadn't they? Maxwell had gotten what he deserved.

"Justice is served." He murmured, before rolling the papers neatly under his arm. He glanced at Pilot 01 and without a word, the two Gundam pilots slipped quietly out of the room, locking and securing the keys so it seemed that nothing had been touched. Oh, revenge was sweet…all the times baka-Maxwell had messed up his scenes, "accidentally" denting Shenlong with an ill-placed prod of a scythe. Oh, Maxwell had certainly paid in full this time and Wufei was rather proud of the scene he had thought up with the dominatrix Hilde. Now, that was a masterpiece…

"He's going to try getting us back," Heero commented indifferently and Wufei glanced at the Japanese pilot. 

"He can't do anything worse than what he's already done." Wufei countered. Heero shrugged. They would soon find out the truth, wouldn't they?

***

Meanwhile…

"Hey, Hilde-babe? I need a favor…."

TBC…

Author's note: *grins innocently as she hides her laptop behind her back* evil evil Heero, shame on you…you should know better.

Duo: SHADDAP SABLE!!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!

*blink* what did _I_ do?

Duo: SHADDAP!!

Sable *huffs* Well fine, but remember, you get the next laugh in the next chapter.

Duo: *pause* well, yeah…

*Sable and Duo both start laughing insanely while Wufei, Heero, Trowa, and Quatre sweatdrop*

Quatre: Should we start running?

Trowa: Yes.

*G-boy cast inches towards the door when heavy metal grates fall across the exit.* _YOU_ are not going _anywhere._

*massive sweatdrop*

Excerpt from next chapter:

"Relena, Relena, what should we do?" The Relena-Worshipers cast glazed eyes towards their leader, who was _still_ clinging to Heero. The poor Perfect Soldier was gagging as he attempted to pry the "Princess of Peace's" loving fingers from around his throat, his eyes bulging as he experienced a sudden lack of oxygen. Also unfortunately, her body-lock was absolute and he had no space to grab his gun from his hammer space, leaving him at her not-so-tender mercies…

Heero: Urk…

*Sable smiles happily* : ) Review!!!!!!! 


	2. DUO'S REVENGE: THE ATTACK OF THE FEMME F...

DUO'S REVENGE: THE ATTACK OF THE FEMALE FATALES

Disclaimer: not mine.

*grinning sheepishly* I can explain, really I can…umm…I haven't written in…*pause* a long time, because I've been trying to write sap and haven't been able to and the sap I've written I've trashed? Heh heh *sweatdrop* my muse seems to be on an endless track around humor (grrrr….someone tell her to stop! I have a perfect sap story to write and I can't!! *wails*) , so here's more humor…(warning: bashing, everyone comes under fire in their most stereotypical form *grins* HOWEVER, I am unbiased in this area…*pause* except that Duo and Hilde escape for the simple reason that they were bashed in the first chapter. Hee hee..enjoy!)

This fic is dedicated to Caliko, who is definitely huggable n' alwayz there for me to complain and talk to, and Shattered, who always finds time to review my stories. ^_~ Love you guyz!

DUO'S REVENGE: THE ATTACK OF THE FEMME FATALES

Heero and Wufei looked up warily as Duo bounced into the room, whistling cheerfully as he tossed himself onto one of the plush couches of the faculty room. 

"Hey guys, wussup?" Duo asked in a singsong voice, nimbly snagging the TV remote control. As he began aimlessly flipping through the one hundred and sixty channels on the tube, the other four Gundam pilots studied him with contemplative trepidation.

Leaning closer to Trowa, Quatre whispered softly, "He doesn't _seem_ mad."

"Mad?" The Shinigami with prenatal good hearing tipped back in his seat to fix a merry amethyst eye on the others, a grin still fixed to his face. "Why would I be mad? I mean, it was only a joke, right? Hah hah, really funny. I mean, you only _humiliated_ me and made my girl into an S&M Queen from Hell. No biggie, right? It's not like I'm gonna…oh say…take Deathscythe for a spin and decimate your Gundams. It's not like, I'm gonna paint bunnies in Wing Zero's cockpit or anything." If anything, Duo's grin grew even wider and his eyes started to glitter wickedly. "Nah, I wouldn't do that, right, guys?"

Wufei looked at Trowa.

Trowa looked at Quatre.

Quatre looked at Heero.

Heero picked up the latest edition to _Seventy-two Different Ways to Kill Your Enemy_.

"You will not get close enough to defile my beautiful Nataku!" Wufei upped from his slouch and in a dignified, yet hasty stalk, evacuated the room.

"Um…I think I should…uh…check up on Sandrock…" Quatre smiled nervously and followed Wufei out at a run.

"…" With an unemotional shrug, Trowa went after him, then paused as Heero made no move to join them. "Aren't you coming?"

"Wing Zero isn't in the main hanger bay," Came back the equally emotionless reply, "I self-destructed in last week's scene take."

***

"Buster rifle!"

"Check!"

"Earthshaker Forcefield!"

"Check!"

"Dragon Glaive!"

"Check!"

"Beam gattling!"

"Check!" 

"Magunac Corps!"

"We are here to serve you, Master Quatre!!"

Wufei rolled his eyes momentarily as forty four voices pronounced (quite loudly) their fealty to a slim, blue-eyed Arabian, shaking the bolts loose from Nataku's precious frame. For the moment, he ignored the damage done…for the moment. _When this is over…oh you will _pay_…_

"Electric fences, turrets, high security surveillance cameras, and Oo Loong Tea!"

"Check, check, check…" Quatre paused uncertainly, peering at the last item on the list, "um…I don't see how tea is going to stop Duo from destroying our Gundams, Wufei…"

Wufei shrugged, pouring himself a small cup and sighing in contentment before he admitted, "It won't. I'm just thirsty." Switching back to his Preventor mode, Wufei surveyed his rather small "army" (consisting of Trowa and Quatre) coolly, before he announced, "We are facing a dishonorable enemy that has troubled us greatly in the past. He, that has threatened our beloved Nata…er…mecha with ultimate destruction. We have slaved to prepare ourselves for this moment, and this moment has finally come, to test our skill, test our strength, and most of all, test our honor!" Taking a deep breath before his face could purple from lack of oxygen, he continued forcefully, "We have done all we could, and I can safely say, that we are safe behind these electric fences and armored walls, and that _nothing_ can defeat-"

"Wufei Chang, you are _so_ dead!" A female, and highly annoyed voice caused Wufei's tirade to cease abruptly, his voice cutting into a strangled squeak as he leaned over the high wall to sea an irate blonde glaring back up at him. Sally frowned furiously, shaking a temporarily impotent fist up at her "partner" as she stared up a long expanse of concrete and wire. 

"Onna?!"

"That's _Miss_ Onna to you, buster, and get _down_ here so I can kill you, _right now!_"

Mustering his bravado, although he had a decidedly unmanly urge to cower, Wufei yelled indignantly, "What have I done to you now, onna?" If anything, that seemed to make her angrier as she yanked a thick sheaf of papers from her carry-all, waving them in an all encompassing gesture.

"What have you done to _me, _you miserable scum from the bottom of the universe?? What's this huh?" Quickly, she riffled through the stack, coming up with the entry she wanted, "Ahem. Januray first of this year: "Women have attempted to control the Earth, and it is up to I, Wufei Chang, to stop their feminist advances. Their puny forces cannot stop the ultimate superiority and masculinity of the last of the Dragon Clan, and I shall cleanse their weak taint from this world, for I am a _man_. All will submit to my will, especially-"" And here, Sally's voice choked with rage and fury as she glared up at him with glowing, tawny eyes, "that onna _Sally_, who will come to _serve_ and _obey_ my every goddamn fucking whim!!" She slammed the papers to ground, grinding it beneath her army boots, "Come down here Chang, and face me like a _man_!!"

By now, Wufei's blood had run cold with ice as he frantically tried to remember exactly _when _he had shown his partner this piece of information, and came quickly and accurately to the conclusion that he hadn't. _Damn you Duo!! _"Kisama, woman! Have you never heard of _fanfiction?_"

"Yeah? Well, let's give your _fans _some _more _fiction to chew on, Chang! Get your ass down here!!"

Like hell. He wasn't _that _stupid…

"Ummm….what are you going to do now, Wufei?" Quatre asked nervously, eyeing the Preventor agent. 

"About what?" Wufei scoffed openly, "She can't get in-" _KABOOM!! _The walls seemed to shake furiously, rattling from side to side as a huge projectile slammed into it. "What in the name of my ancestors!?" 

Quatre looked up, and his cherubic sky-blue eyes widened in terror. He bit his lower lip to keep from shrieking (it would be too impolite for a man of his impeccable breeding) as he whispered hoarsely, "It's _Dorothy!!_"

Dorothy laughed, tossing back her platinum gold hair about her head as she eyed the helpless Gundam pilots with feline amusement from the safety of her triply armored Leo. Tapping lightly at her microphone, she said happily (or maliciously…who could really tell?), "Well well, _hello_, my dear Quatre! Your friend Duo has informed me that you would enjoy learning my philosophy in war, so _naturally_, I agreed to his request! You and I are going to have so _much_ fun, don't you agree? Oh, and by the way, before you even _think_ about getting into your Gundams and destroying this Leo…_don't._ I have got this _wonderful_ war machine ensured by the ACME Novelty Company, which assures me that this is un_beatable._"

Quatre didn't reply, just proceeded to cower in terror as the fences and walls collapsed under heavy firepower leaving Wufei to fend for himself from his glowering partner. Hopping out of the Leo, Dorothy smiled diplomatically and proceeded to drag the poor Arabian off to the fencing room with the purred suggestion, "Let's try another fencing bout, shall we?"

Sally was also dragging Wufei off, but with a less innocent, "Let's see if we can't get the testosterone infested _idiot_ to change his ways, huh Fei?"

Trowa stood in the midst of the rubble, arms folded thoughtfully at his chest. He supposed he should go after Quatre…after all, the little one _would_ need help from that infamous warmonger…but before he would tangle with _that_ she-devil, he would need to get Heero's help…and perhaps some sleeping gas. 

As he set off to attain the necessary…defensive measures, he did not have any foreknowledge of the company that Duo had cheerfully let through the gates of the Gundam Studios. If he had, he would have thought it best to brave Dorothy's lions den alone…too bad for him, isn't it?

***

Relena smiled happily as her braided escort led her through the simulated hanger of the Gundam Wing prop set, clapping her hands in delight as her entourage 'oohed' and 'aahed', "Oh _thank you_ Duo, I…I don't know how to repay you for this _wonderful_ gift! I would have _never_ been able to stalk…er…_find_ Hee-chan in this big place alone!"

Her entourage of 'Relena-supporters" giggle happily, "Oh, Relena's _so _smart!" "And so _pretty_." "Yes she is!" "I wish I was like her!" (AN: I don't mean the fans that support Relena, I mean the girls at her school(s) that were always running up to her and praising her…THEM, I can't stand. *grins)

"Hey 'jousan, no prob! And I'm sure, Heero is _definitely_ looking forward to seeing you too," Duo replied easily, with characteristic Shinigami charm. He smiled gleefully down at Hilde, who grinned back and held up a camcorder in tacit reassurance. "In fact, I think it'll be a real Kodak moment, don't you?"

Before Relena could respond, her clique had already filled the split second of silence with choruses of "Oh _absolutely_." "Who wouldn't want to meet Miss Relena?" "She's so _smart, _and so _brave…_" "Yes she is!"

Leaning closer to the former Queen, Duo asked in a conspiratorial voice, "Eh…'jousan. What the hell's wrong with _them?_"

In an equally low voice, Relena replied softly, "I keep them on Valium…last time they missed their dosage, they found out that Pokémon really didn't exist…Misty went into fits of hysteria…I couldn't calm her down for weeks." Duo sweatdropped, and glanced back at the brightly smiling, blank-eyed girl with the tag-name "Misty" pinned to her pink jumper…and decided not to ask.

Thankfully, by that time, they had already reached the actors' greenroom, and with a Shinigami's wicked grin and a flourish of the fingers, Duo flung open the door, singing lightly, "Hey Hee-ro…guess who's come to vi-sit!"

"Hn?" Heero looked up with bored eyes…and immediately tensed as he his vision was dominated a figure swathed in several layers of white chiffon. 

*Glomp* "Hee-chan!!" 

Suddenly, Heero felt his neck bone momentarily divorce the base of his skull as Relena enveloped him in a "welcoming" hug, leaving him quite literally stunned. Vaguely, he could hear the chattering of, "Oh, isn't this _sweet?_", "They lsook so cute as a couple" and "Yes they do! Yes they do!" Unfortunately, he was having other problems (like breathing) and didn't have the time to forcefully wreck their obvious misconception.

"Re-le-???!!!"

"Oh, I missed you, Heero! You don't write, and you don't _call_…if it wasn't for Duo, I would have _never_ found you at all!"

__

That was the point. Heero thought darkly, glaring at his hilarity-convulsed "friend", but try as he might, he couldn't break free of her grip. Whoever had written in the script that Relena was supposed to be "dainty" and "fragile" definitely had not met her face to face.

Suddenly the background chatter stopped as the door opened slowly to reveal an auburn-haired Latin youth. His eyes glowed with dulled emerald intensity and his long body was well-sculpted and graceful as any acrobats. In other words…

"Whoa…" One of the girls whispered, stunned. 

Then the whole group erupted into a babble of, "Relena, Relena! Who is that?" "Is he available?" "He's so bishounen!" "Ara, ara! Look at his muscles!" 

Trowa glanced into the room uneasily, finding himself suddenly surrounded by high school girls that were admiring his well-made…physique with unappreciated boldness. His apprehension increased tenfold when one of them turned around to address her idol, who was still squeezing the life out of one Perfect Soldier. "We want him!" She announced, and then the whole gaggle converged on him, chanting, "Relena, Relena, what should we do?" 

Relena glanced at her troupe of worshipful followers, then at Trowa, who was contemplating the door with an emotionless green eye.

"Is he bishounen?" Frantic nodding.

Trowa shifted uneasily and tried to "be a man" and not run away, "…"

"Do you want him?" Frantic nodding.

"…" The door was getting more and more enticing…

"What will you do with him when you've got him?"

"We'll play with him-" "And love him!" "And change his icky clothing!" "Yes we will!"

"…!!"Trowa sweatdropped at the last part, inching backwards. His one visible eye had widened slightly in imperceptible alarm.

"Then go get him." Relena said patiently from her leech-like position at Heero's waist.

"Oh thank you! Thank you Miss Relena!" That was too much for the stoic Trowa. He immediately broke for the door, leaping over the hoards of bishounen-loving girls with desperate ease. 

"Oh please don't go, Trowa!" One of the girls called with saccharine sweetness as she managed to latch on to his pant leg so that she dragged on the floor for a couple of steps before he managed to shake her off, "We'll even help you fix your _hair_." That was the last straw. 

A soft, strangled, "Eep," emerged from Trowa's lips before he flung the door open, escaping, or so he thought, into the relative safety of the hallway.

"Relena, Relena, what should we do?" The Relena-Worshipers cast glazed eyes towards their leader, who was _still_ clinging to Heero. The poor Perfect Soldier was gagging as he attempted to pry the "Princess of Peace's" loving fingers from around his throat, his eyes bulging as he experienced a sudden lack of oxygen. But her body-lock was absolute and he had no space to grab his gun from his hammer space, leaving him at her not-so-tender mercies.

Relena looked up from fussing with Heero long enough to ask, albeit not-so-patiently, "Do you want him?" Frantic nodding. "Then go _after_ him." 

They nodded again and began jabbering amongst themselves as they smiled at Relena adoringly, "Oh she's so smart!" "I _love_ Ms. Relena." "Oh, me too, me too!" "And she's so _beautiful_…" "Yes she is!"

"He's getting away." Relena reminded and her supporters disappeared in a patter of tiny footsteps. 

"Yes Miss. Relena!" "Relena's so smart!" "We need to get him!" "Oh yes, he's so bishounen!" "I _love_ him!" "Oh me too me too!"

As their shrill, whiney voices faded into the hallway, Relena turned back to Heero with a slow smile slanting her features. "Now what, pray tell, should I do with you?" Heero's eyes widened imperceptibly as she ran a hand through his already mussed up hair. She couldn't mean…

"Oh yes I do, Heero Yuy!" Relena purred, accurately guessing his thoughts, "We're going to…watch pacifist tapes!"

"NOOOOO!!!!" Heero's voice rang through the halls and a frantic scuffle ensued on stage set 69 accompanied by Relena's loud scolding and Heero's threatening "omae o kuruso!!" In the end, girl-power won as Relena called several Preventer Units in, which tied him to a chair with several links of titanuim chain, several hundred locking mechanisms and handcuffs, all of which would have taken about five minutes for Heero to normally get out of. 

HOWEVER…Relena had used a bottle of Insta-Freeze that Duo had helpfully supplied her with for the nominal fee of $500 dollars a spray, leaving Heero glued to the seat like a plastic statue. Unfortunately for him, she had used the spray liberally so not only could he not move, he couldn't _speak_ either, so the Preventers, which incidentally incidentally consisted of an all female squad, took his abrupt silence as consent and left the "lovebirds" alone with much eye-fluttering and sighing. 

Relena smiled sweetly, batting huge, baby-blue eyes as she fingered the remote control with a neatly manicured hand. "Okey-dokey silly Hee-chan. Now…where were we?"

"!!!"

***

~*Meanwhile…*~

"I'll get you for this Maxwell!" Wufei was slapped across the head as the much-feared Dragon of the Middle Kingdom tried vainly to twist out of his securely tied position in his chair. 

Sally nestled comfortably on the couch reading calmly, "And it is undoubtedly true that the female mind has become more advanced than the archaic male studies first believed. Their ability to function in their left and right lobes of the brain far outweigh the capabilities of men-"

"I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE!! KUSO!!!"

"Socially speaking, the fairer sex has always been more eager to accept new ideas, thus benefiting society as a whole…."

*~And yet still…~*

Trowa shook off three more girls as he vainly tried to open the hanger bay to his Gundam. The girls, on the other hand, managed to shake off his sweater, leaving him shirtless and desperate when one of the she-demons appeared with a bottle of "MAX-WAX: gel? Who needs it when you've got MAXWAX! ™ The Duo-preferred brand of instant stick!"

"I've got his TURTLENECK!!" O.o

"Who cares? Hold him down!"

~*Last one, I promise…*~

Dorothy stalked Quatre as he scooted nervously around the fencing room, a feline grin plastered to her forked face. "Well well Q-chan…shall we begin?"

Quatre gulped, looked into Dorothy's glinting saber and forgot his vow to remain calm and polite. 

He started screaming.

***

Duo grinned, unperturbed by the utter chaos that ran amok in studio. In fact, he was quite pleased at his latest prank on the rest of the caste and was whistling cheerfully as he fastened an arm securely around Hilde's slim waist. "I don't deserve you babe."

The dark-haired girl looked up long enough from her camcorder to grin impishly and shrug. "I know."

tbc…

Heh heh…I love my G-wing boys…

*Freezing Deathglares, waving scythes, etc. level on FS*

What???

*Quatre calmly stands in front of the camera as G-Wing cast closes in on Sable*

Quatre: This part of the…er…film…will be censored as we make our displeasure known to the author of this fic. *FS starts laughing nervously in the background as Heero raises his gun* G'night all…and please remember to support Gundam Wing by buying our overpriced paraphernalia and bidding on Ebay for our action figures and manga. *pause* oh yeah…and remember to review. 

*Screaming commences*


End file.
